From deep within the heart of a married woman…

I get a phone call right in the middle of the night…
I attended the call even without checking who it was… (I don’t even know why I picked it up,I usually don’t)
Even before a hello,came a familiar voice – “I can’t sleep…
“Hey…U?!? What is the matter?….Man, what is the time?” Almost in half sleep.
It’s 2:40 in the morning…I know its late…But I need you…now…Is it okay?
“Firstly you wake me up and then you ask me permission…tell me” I expected her reply as – “Oh, shut up…I just need to talk…wakkkkeeeeeee upppppppp” That’s the normal her. But this time, the reply came as
No…You sleep…Good night!
“Hey..Hey Nisha…..” She disconnected the call…. I got up from the bed and walked to the balcony trying to call her…But as you are expecting now, she didn’t receive my call…I got a text back which read – “It’s okay Ammu. Don’t bother. Go to sleep. Nothing important”. I texted her back,”Call me right now. I am up” I knew something was wrong. I put a kettle for coffee. Soon came the call…
“Nisha, What’s wrong? I am sorry for blabbering,I was in half sleep…”
It’s okay.I wasn’t in a great mood
“Wasn’t???”
I still am
“What happened?”
I think I can’t go forward with this marriage!
“Dude!!!”
Am serious. I have had enough. I love Ankush. I really do. But how can I be in a relationship just because I love a person and I know he loves me
” Do you realize what you are speaking?”
Yeah. I know I don’t sound like making sense. We both have our set of egos. I know everybody has, but it goes to that extend that inspite of knowing I am hurt, he just can’t let it go
“Why can’t you let it go if you know this is the issue”
I am hurt because he never admits it. I am offended because he is okay with hurting me than letting it go. I just can’t be me. Though everything gets solved after a while….still some issues pop up…very small issues,even those that doesn’t have any relevance in our life. And it ends with him sleeping peacefully and me crying whole night
“Tried talking?”
U think I wouldn’t have? But to everything, the response is defaulted – Why can’t you,why don’t u, why shouldn’t u, why not u…..when I say I am fed up hearing these blames on me,its always me…again the default reply – same with me….And am done. Every single day, something pops up and when it worsens.U know me,It takes time for me to get back once it reaches the peek. Then yet another one of his defaulted sarcastic dialogue – ‘You can’t stay happy a day without fighting?what are you getting out of it’….Ammu,Why would anyone want to be happy fighting.The one thing I want in a guy was to be able to admit his mistakes…but…I can’t.
“Nisha,Can’t you ignore?”
That’s what we are taught right from the start – adjust,ignore. How much Ammu? I just wished someone was there for me just to sit and listen…without arguing,without trying to prove s/he is right, without judging me…I can’t talk all the issues over phone. I myself know those are small petty issues,but things add up. It adds up to that point you think why did you even get married just to soak your pillow in tears. Because you feel your husband values his ego more than your emotion.”
“Nisha, I understand what you are going through. But we all are here for you. You can open up any time anything you want”
Says who? Do you think a girl who loves her husband will talk bad about him to her friends? She doesn’t want her friends to tag him bad. Can she talk to her family? No!! They would be so upset she isn’t happy. Can she talk to her in-laws? No, beyond any doubt” I could feel the frustration. Should I support her? If I did, she wouldn’t turn back on her decision to move out of her relationship, I definitely don’t want her to go through a broken marriage. If I don’t, I would also be in the sack of people who wouldn’t understand what she is going through. If she is staying awake at that hour pouring her heart out, it is because she trusts I would understand her. She isn’t the village girl who would complaint about husband being late from office, he has female friends or he didn’t compliment on her looks. She is also not the girl who is so independent and jumps to divorce when a small stuff jumps up, like many modern day modern-independent girl set up.
“Nisha, this is not the decision you can take at this hour of the night. Just get back to bed. Everything has a solution. Let’s figure out”
Ammu, I have thought 10 months…I have thought more than an year before engagement. Each time when I was hesitant to move forward with this proposal, I have heard lots of – this will change,don’t fall into conclusion, you should ignore, just close your eyes, don’t expect and so forth. I just wished I had the nerve to say – No, It won’t. But I didn’t. Now I am right in middle knowing its so hard to proceed forward, knowing I am putting a fake smile and a happy marriage infront of others, pulling myself to fit into the role of the ideal wife,daughter and daughter-in-law. Tomorrow morning, he would wake up trying to act normal, being normal, not knowing the damage he is doing to me everyday. I can feel me going back to a cocoon, going back to myself, just me…U know what I feel right now. I am part of an unfinished painting, where the painter has lost interest in completing it and any day I can be thrown to the bin. I think its with the painter if it should be finished and put it up for exhibiting or throw it to the trash, right?
“You are thinking too much. Just relax for now, drink water and go to bed. I can’t give you solution if you don’t tell me things in detail. I will meet you in person tomorrow. Its too much to discuss over phone. Is that good?”
Mmm-Hmmmm….
“Good night for now, Sweetheart”
Good night” I was about to disconnect the call when I heard her feeble voice calling my name.
Ammuuuu….
“Yea…tell me..”
Thank you!
“Why?”
For listening. For not telling me – ADJUST. For not telling me – IGNORE. Thank u
“Sleep, Nisha. No more thinking,okay? Love you.”
Love you too

As I returned back to bed, I could feel a huge burden in my heart. I know I kept the call because I am not sure what I should speak. I needed time to think what I should tell her. I can tell her to ignore and lose herself. I can also tell her to let it go and start afresh. I need time – however I think, I know I will end up with the traditional golden words taught to all Indian girls right from birth – ADJUST,IGNORE,LET GO. I know she would opt it to letting go off the relationship, because it is easier to let go yourself than your relationship in the society we are living today. You are answerable to a lot of people if you step out of the relationship. While in the other scenario, you just need to answer yourself which was far easier to cope up.

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